Heather Rawlins, PCC

Change One Thing

Suffering happens in us in many ways. We are, what is called in my circle, bio-psycho-social-spiritual beings. We're made of body, mind, spirit and community. When we're suffering in one way or another, through mental health problems, social problems, physical problems or otherwise, we often recognize that change needs to happen but exactly what KIND of change can feel nebulous. It's a big, complicated system.

Sometimes the needed change is simple to decode. If we are overweight or underweight or in pain and need to change our physical relationship with ourselves, then the body is leading the life change. If we are anxious, habituated to the good-for-nothins or lacking in confidence, the mind is leading the change. If we are depressed, disconnected or full of doubt (about ourselves, our value, our purpose) the spirit is leading the way. And if we are lonely, if our closest connections are with those who don't see or inspire our better self, if we often feel hung-over (physically or otherwise) after spending time with someone, our community-self is leading the charge to change. 

Every little restless twinge in our being is a guide. We usually have one aspect that speaks most clearly to us. But given the holistic nature of our being, one aspect out of synch signals a system imbalance. For instance, a person struggling with obesity, might (but not surely) also be inclined toward relationships   
that didn't challenge the way of life that sustains the obesity. A depressed person will often think in ways to sustain low confidence and poor eating/exercise habits. 

When change needs to happen, when something's off, one or more aspects are signaling to us that there's an imbalance, we might be inclined to think that we have to fix EVERYTHING. The good news is that it doesn't have to be that way. Often, if we tinker with just one of those aspects (body, mind, spirit, community) the system will start to fall into a different order. If it's good tinkering, it's a better order.  

It isn't necessarily so that we need to know which corner of the system is out of balance. In fact, most of the time, if we start with our biological selves, we can catalyze an overall system realignment. Exercise, healthy eating and good sleep hygiene are the building blocks of wellbeing. They're the cornerstones of happiness and effectiveness. And when you've tended well enough to your body, typically the loud-mouth of the crew, the system is quieter, allowing for better attention paid to everything else. Also, tending to the physical self tends to lead to a heightened sense of self-mastery... what's more important than that, i ask.

Of course, there are times when the out-of-balance is body-based and not easily managed by the big three (right eating, right sleeping, right exercise). There are times when the imbalance is out of our controls. In those cases, when care-providers are required, focus on another aspect. Just one thing that you can control. Meditate for your mind. Volunteer for your spirit. Pick up the phone and call (instead of text) a healthy friend or join a team, club or support group for your social-self.

Change just one thing. If there is some kind of signaling that your system is out of balance, choose the  easiest, most controllable aspect of your self and be all in for its benefit. Most often, the easiest part of ourselves to treat well (as well as mistreat) is our body so start there. Depression, anxiety, physical problems or toxic people are all signals of system imbalances. They all are ways of telling us something needs to change. We can spend a lot of time trying to figure out exactly what needs to change and how. Or we can change one thing really well. Start with the latter. Don't worry about a system overhaul, just try some simple tinkering and see what happens.

 December 1, 2010

Be Like a Cat

I've never had a cat. But I always thought they'd be the pet i'd prefer if i ever wanted a pet. I like their independence. And it was pointed out to me many years ago when i was first peering into Zen that they are, as a race, the paragon of skilled simplicity and good living. Loads of Zen teachings refer to cats to illustrate and model an important trait to cultivate. I'll give you a handful of cat thoughts to ponder and then, perhaps, you'll want to modify your Halloween costume or visit a cat rescue so you can adopt a teacher.   

1. Cats are comfortable everywhere (ok, except the car and the bath for most but that said...)

If you've ever watched a cat in a windowsill, on or under a bed, a couch or a bookshelf, they're masterful at achieving what appears to be heavenly repose. Curled up or stretched out they are at ease wherever they choose to stop. And when they stop to relax, it is all they do. Cats get as comfortable as fish get wet. It is so complete it goes beyond description. Being independent creatures, they are deliberate about where they appear, and there, they arrive and remain comfortable. We should all be like cats. Deliberate. Comfortable all the time. Maintaining a relaxed stance, and willingness to sit down and feel excellent exactly where we are. 

We can create suffering in ourselves by ceasing to insert choice in our actions. We can cause ourselves to feel tension and separation from the moment because we tell ourselves we're here because we have to be. Rather than choosing to be where we are because we honor our responsibilities, the people in our lives and the commitments we've made. Cats don't create excessive suffering for themselves. They are where they are and there they are comfortable. Be like that. Be like a cat. 

2. When cats are focused, they're INCREDIBLY focused

Ever watch a cat notice something and then watch it and stalk it and follow it, quietly? There is no garbage rattling around the mind of that cat. The cat's focus is alert, single-minded and determined.  That which has a cat's attention, has the cat's full attention. Be like this. Practice a cat-like focus with every thing you do, every person you speak with. This is not attainable if we multitask our days away so start to understand that multitasking is a bad habit. A simple, alert focus is a really powerful tool. It is essential to good relationships. It is the only safe way to drive. It is what we get paid for in our jobs. 

Our American culture will compete with this notion, enticing us all away from understanding that simply being present in our lives, being alert and focused on what matters is THE way to the best life possible. Not a Mac, not a new senator, not quicker dinners with Hamburger Helper. Just simple alertness to right now.

3. When cats fall, they don't brace for that fall, but meet the ground with their most relaxed body.

If a cat falls out of a tree, he meets the ground with a supple body and walks away. If I fell out of a tree, I'd probably break most of my bones, feel like an idiot and not want to talk about it. Cats don't want to fall out of the tree but they also don't resist the fall or the rapidly approaching ground and it saves them from more pain.

Most of our pain comes from our resistance to the things in our lives we don't want and the things we dread as they approach. Find your supple mind. Find the ability to take all as it comes. This takes accepting that we will, at times, fall down. That we will lose. We'll lose jobs, people, maybe even homes. But keeping alert and supple so that we can walk on after these is what we should all endeavor to do. We should all watch and learn from the profound comfort, alertness and ability to take a fall. We should all be like cats. Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... 

October 26, 2010

Wants Disguised as Needs

Part of living deliberately, perhaps the part that compelled good ol' Henry David Thorough to the woods, is learning to smoke out all the mental vermin from our minds and be OK with just our simplest needs met. Henry David Thoreau, during his famous years in the woods, had a shack, a pot, a spoon, a table, two chairs, a bed with a blanket, a fireplace with some sort of cooking aparatus and so little, if anything, else that it is fascinating. His tiny place is exactly replicated in the Concord, MA woods near Walden Pond. I used to run there and used to visit the replica and leave with such an awe at the perfection and simplicity of the place. While it is ascetic by 99% of standards, there was, in this tiny home, exactly what would be needed and used everyday, nothing less. 

I'm not a writer on minimalism - but the idea of having exactly what you need and nothing more is a very peaceful one. Since HDT went to the woods, our American culture has exploded into what would seem to him a baroque and burdensome, non-stop parade of wants and mental garbage. One has to be very deliberate to minimize the way the media and advertising influence our desires. And be diligent in identifying wants as simply wants - not needs - when they come up. Of course, we naturally have desires but, if you haven't noticed, it's quite an uncomfortable state and if we let ourselves Want for too long, the discomfort can start to feel like a need - that needs to be met. Most spiritual traditions address desire as a source of dis-ease and a thing to try to overcome. No wonder at that.

In such an affluent culture as ours, wanting things is probably a natural byproduct of the affluence. But, affluence is unevenly distributed and wanting things is universal. I'll never forget this client, a woman on Section 8 housing, welfare and medicaid, who struggled to keep the lights on and went shopping at L'Occitane - a superfancy store full of good-smelling toiletries. I often wondered how it felt for her to spend her very-little money on fancy-pants soaps. How badly did she want those soaps? How long did she linger in the phase of wanting before she had to squash that want with buying the soap or was it an impulse?

Please refrain from judging her - she was a very troubled woman - but she was a great example of someone for whom unchecked want for things was a terrible problem. For some people and, maybe for most of us at least occasionally, wanting something - an object, a vacation, a child, a better car/house/spouse/career can start to feel like a need, an unmet need. 

It's important that we can always differentiate wants from needs. Maslow's Hierarchy is so blasted important to understand that i suggest everyone put a little tiny copy of it inside their wallet or on their watch-face. Unmet needs are dangerous to the foundation of a person, they affect well-being. Unmet wants don't change the fundamental truth of being OK. Wants can make our perception of well-being cloudy. And  if we aren't clear on what the wants are and how unimportant they are to our well-being, we become restless and less than OK for no good reason. 

Do a check of your needs, your real needs and how they're being met. If they're met today, they'll very likely be met tomorrow. Let this be important. Let this let you be OK right now. 

 

 September 13, 2010

Eating Praying and Loving in Ohio (or New Jersey or wherever you are..)

Eat Pray Love (the book) is a huge hit if you haven't heard. It's inspirational and it's funny. Most readers respond to it because they get this delicious sense of transportation to beautiful places both in the world and in the spirit of Elizabeth Gilbert (the writer). The book is an internal and external adventure to the beautiful center of being by a flawed, relatable girl and admittedly, it left me wanting what she has. But I live in Ohio, am married with a mortgage and a child and, for the foreseeable future, will remain just like this, and wouldn't choose otherwise, were I given the choice every day. I can't see why these lovely circumstances would preclude people like me from a variation of her rapture. But exactly how do we get there when we're stuck here?

Most of us can't drop out for a year to work on enjoying food, quieting the mind and fulfilling a fortune told by an ancient Balinese medicine man. It's extraordinary that she could, really. But we have dinner to prepare and in-laws to call back. So then what? If you take Italy, India and Bali out of her adventure, what you have left is a woman who worked hard to leave depression behind so she could live outside her mind and instead, deliberately inhabit a world she found pleasurable and beautiful. This state of presence IS achievable by the rest of us and it is, actually, the really spectacular destination of her story.

In order to get there, though. We need to, as the Buddhists say, "practice like our hair is on fire." We have to want that presence, that ability to see clearly and enjoy deeply. We have to want to live outside of the lectures, judgments and burdens of too much thinking, especially too much thinking of ourselves. We have to want to feel real freedom and real joy. 

It's not like reading a book about the successes of a glittering bazillionaire. We can want boatloads of money and no-cares-in-the-world but the very most of us won't achieve it (because we forget we want it and/or because we're not that clever). It's more like reading a book about who we could be: really present in the simplicity of right now, enjoying the sensory experiences, intentional about our life and open to our love. It's all there for us if we want it. But we have to want it. We have to really really really really want it. And be willing to practice like our hair is on fire to get it. 

Eat Pray Love puts eating, praying and loving against beautiful backdrops but even without those extraordinary places, those very acts themselves are the centering, life-giving things we do that are worth our full attention. By giving them our intentional, deliberate best, we won't even miss the ashram or the pasta. Italy, India, Indonesia, Ohio... what I want is beautiful, joyful presence in now.

August 23, 2010

The View from Inside Our Salt Shakers

A teacher of mine liked to use the metaphor of the salt shaker to describe the way we live in the world. She said we lived inside our own unique salt shakers and could only see the view of the world offered by the holes. (Some people i know seem more like they live in the pepper shakers but this article is not to judge.) Of course, the view from a salt shaker is limited and not conducive to fully understanding anything. A partly cloudy sky might look overcast. A sign saying Don't Feed the Bears might seem oddly encouraging. A real effort at living deliberately or authentically will involve recognizing that there are limits to our view; recognizing that the limits are actually hindrances to truly understanding ourselves, other people and the situations we encounter and then seeing when and how those limits affect us. 

The covers of our shakers are partly constructed of our attitudes and biases as they tightly bind together to dictate our world view. The problem with these attitudes and biases is that when we encounter the people, places or situations that justify them (like all people for the people hater, traffic for the hurried, inconsiderate people for the hyper-sensitive) we usually suffer. We suffer in feeling annoyed, impatient, judgmental, offended, hurt, angry or stressed because these feelings are heavy, sometimes painful emotions to have. Who likes to feel offended, impatient or annoyed?

There are people who might value their attitudes and their suffering and if that's you... I'm not sure I'll ever understand you but for the rest, here's a little self-reflection exercise to try and gain insight into what goes into the construction of your particular salt shaker lid. 

1) How often do I feel stressed or angry or frustrated or simply negative toward situations or people? How often do I complain in general? (Pay attention to how often you find something to be negative and what types of things or people cause this.)

2) What do I tell myself about those situations? How do I describe them? What are the words I use? (Pay attention to words or descriptions that come up a lot. The words that you often use to describe stressors or complaints are a good clue to an attitude or bias.) 

3) How well do I really understand the people, situations or ideas I dislike? (Pay attention to thoughts that you "know enough". That's another good clue to an attitude or bias.)

Recognizing our own attitudes and biases, the ones that cause us the small, persistent kinds of suffering is amazingly liberating and a way to really *refresh our view*. We probably won't ever live without some sort of punctuated lid. The fact is that the lid is also constructed from our biological, religious, spiritual and social, family and cultural influences which are not so changeable as an attitude. However, the attitudes tend to be the most burdensome and least useful. They tend to cause more suffering and less community. More separation and less peace of mind. They are 100% worth examining, getting to know and perhaps letting go. Try it! You might like it!

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Here are some of the attitudes, beliefs and biases that I see a lot. Recognize (or relate to) any of them?

• There are people who say "i hate people" and mean it to varying degrees. 
• There are people who find intense personalities hostile or find dry personalities boring. 
• There are people who think unfriendliness is personal. 
• Very-friendliness is intrusive. 
• There are people who feel burdened by everything, 
• slighted by everything, 
• defensive about everything, 
• who find injustice in everything. 
• There are people who believe people should be a certain way, whether it be open-minded, intelligent, like-minded, funny, generous, considerate, worldly, etc in order for them to be liked - or even tolerated. 
• There are people who take too many things too personally. 
• There are people who think no one should ever take them personally. 
• There are people who think they are the Only ones who ever do XYZ.
• There are people who think everyone should do things the way they would do them, be as thoughtful, as diligent, as accurate, as fast, etc.
• There are people who think decisions can't be made unless all the data has been collected.
• There are people who think decisions should be made fast.
• There are people who think ensuring everyone is happy is a value.
• There are people who think happiness is not a priority in trying to get a job done.
• There are people who don't do anything that isn't their own idea or their own plan.
• There are people who think they are stupid, incompetent, incapable.
• There are people who have no patience for themselves.
• There are people who have no compassion for themselves.
• I think people who say "yeah but" are annoying. 
• I don't think I should have to wait in line for anything.
• You?

August 11, 2010

The Specific Composition

When I was first learning yoga an instructor said to me that balance wasn't a destination but something you move into and out of constantly. It was one of my favorite yogic insights and something I've used more as metaphor than anything else, though still useful in bringing some compassion into my yoga class. I was thinking about it again today as I realized for the millionth time the following Incredibly Important piece of wisdom (here: i'll say it loud and fancy):

What we Do has a lot (some say everything) to do with how we Feel. 

For many of us, there is a specific composition of habits and activities that, when performed regularly, somehow coincides with a sense of well-being. My composition, for example, involves exercise, listening to music, cooking, limiting media consumption, reading, creating and interacting with people. I need all of these things and when i have each in the specific-to-me proper measure, I have a sense of well-being. When one of these is in a deficit position I have a sort of spirit-itch. When more than one is in deficit I become uncomfortable. When they're all in deficit I'm like a feral version of myself - poor, poor husband. 

For me, the anchor component is exercise. I need it every day and when it's there the rest of the day falls well into place. It inspires good eating which necessitates cooking which involves creativity. It inspires confidence which makes me chatty which leads to more interactions with people. It inspires a quiet mind which helps avoid TV-watching and internetting beyond an intentional level and which also helps me to drink in the latest book on the bed stand. Three days without exercise leaves my spirit (not to mention body) in a hungry, sorry state.

It is likely that everyone has a specific composition that acts both as the catalyst for well-being and a barometer of it. Think about this. What is it you're DOING when you Feel Alright? What is it that goes away and returns in concordance with moods? Know your specific composition. Write it down and remember it. Leverage it as the catalyst to return to well being when you're not feeling it and as the inspiration to remain disciplined within and for your own well being. Your specific composition is a basic but powerful plan.

July 14, 2010

Practicing Non-Judgment

Practicing non-judgment is another in a simple line-up of Buddhist gifts to the world (see also Mindfulness). In our western minds and ways, it's probably one of the more challenging things to try and do but it doesn't have to be. The Buddhists say, to practice non-judgment, we should "go beyond the pair of opposites." Let me see if i can simplify this and perhaps entice you to give practicing non-judgment a spin.

The Buddhists believe that life is suffering and that suffering is mostly created by our own minds. We can experience this in very simple ways. Sit quietly, take a breath and let some words roll around in your mind. Bad, sad, anger; Good, happy, calm. Let each word come and go and note the subtle internal reactions you have to each. Notice what and where tightens and relaxes with the review of each word.

Words and the meanings we give them have powers to affect us. Most of us will prepare ourselves differently for something we anticipate as bad than something good. If I've been warned the boy I'll see is bad, I might be on guard, ready to defend against whatever bad might be. If i've been told the boy i'll see is good, I might relax and look forward to enjoying the boy's merits. There are a couple of disabling aspects to this. First and foremost, by accepting a judgment of the boy, my view of him becomes unfairly focused which will mean I undoubtedly will miss parts of him. A boy doesn't enter the office. A bad boy or a good boy does. And by anticipating the bad or good, I'm accepting the bad or good as real and the boy as limited in dimension and story. A boy who is expected to be bad will most often fulfill that expectation. We are tacitly saying, "Come in bad." Instead of saying, "Come in, boy." If we accept him without judgment, without a need to reduce him to a predictable aspect, then we get a full boy. He is who he is.

Secondly, if you noticed the way your body reacted to words - tightening or relaxing - you noticed that words have power to affect our bodies. In essence, as we judge, we tax ourselves. The more I hear about certain figures in politics today and the more I see them as complete idiots, the more tense and physically uncomfortable I become. I'd truly rather not feel that way. If i could accept them as simply characters participating in a complex panoply, with similar counterparts in all camps then they become innocuous in my mind and body. They are who they are.

A practice of non-judgment helps us to avoid a lot of the suffering we experience on a daily basis. Because we see a flat tire as bad, we suffer. If we accepted the flat tire as a neutral event, we wouldn't suffer. The fun insightful gift of non judgment is that whether we see it as bad or as neutral, it doesn't change the outcome or what we have to do. We still need to change the tire. So it is what it is.

It sounds ideal. But it's a surprisingly simple practice. And the practice part shouldn't be lost in the point here. It's a practice that starts off like anything new. At first it helps just to notice how often your thoughts are judging thoughts. How often you describe or reduce things to certain qualities or adjectives. Bad, naughty, hard, sad, difficult, stressful. These words in your head about people, work or traffic will create suffering in the face of it. Notice them the way you would a simple tree among many. Part of the scenery holding little weight. Notice they show up. And accept this situation or person unconditionally and without need to reduce it with judgment.

It's a big deal to start noticing your own judging mind. It's a big deal to start realizing the way we suffer because of judging. It's one of those things that, once you start to see, you won't un-see. Once you start to note judgment and then practice walking right by it, you begin practicing non-judgment. The real glory of this is that we don't realize, as we judge, that we are taking on a burden; the burden of reducing and judging people, places and things. When we practice non-judgment, we unburden ourselves from needless, self-created suffering.

Notice your judging thoughts, breathe by them and accept the people, places and things in our midst and lives unconditionally, as they are. Experience and make a practice of the unburdened openness of a non-judging mind.

June 28, 2010

Mindful Arguing: Relationship Ninjitsu

Arguments are a normal part of intimate relationships. In fact, I'd assert that they are not only normal, but they're healthy and often necessary to work out the kinks and imbalances that creep in when relationships are sleeping. If you're not having at least occasional arguments then either your relationship is a marvel of humanity or perhaps one of you is actually avoiding arguing altogether. Not a big deal, of course. Many people, myself included, do not like arguing. Arguing tends to raise the dander a bit and when it's up, thought can be less clear, a usual verbal arteest can start blurting embarrassing non-sequitors and the point of the argument often gets lost in the arguing. Arguing becomes the problem rather than the problem being the problem. And when the problem ceases to be the problem, the problem can't get aired and resolved. No good. 

Alternatively, employing mindfulness in arguments, makes one like a relationship ninja! 

Here's the thing, in family counseling there's a tool that goes like this:

Harry the husband says, "I feel like she doesn't like me."

Wanda the wife is then asked to repeat that statement perhaps multiple times until she can repeat it with the same exact words and inflections. Until Harry hears her say it the way he thinks he said it. And hopefully until Wanda can say it and truly understand its meaning. 

The point of this exercise is a clever back door to listening. In mindful arguing, listening with the intent to understand is the essential skill. Mindfulness means a person is fully aware of the moment and what is happening in it. Being mindful in an argument is employing the principles of a martial art like Ninjutsu where one uses the energy of the opponent to change the situation. Approaching a needed argument with your primary intention being to listen until you really understand is like being a ninja in your relationship. An opponent who feels listened to and understood often will lack the emotional leverage to do any real damage in an argument. Nicely done, eh?

Of course, this doesn't mean you now agree. But with your partner well understood, the issue remains simplified unless you, the ninja, get clumsy. Remain mindful. A trick in mindfulness is that your attention is directed outward, outside your mind and onto the concrete outer world - what's here now. Very few things in and of our immediate surroundings will incite the emotions that will derail the skills of a relationship ninja. Derailers most often are created by the fictions of our mind - our assumptions, our emotional memories and attachments, our defenses. 

With the partner subdued by understanding, you, mindful ninja, can then succinctly state your side of the argument. Keep your attention outward and your intention on understanding. Your ability to understand is your most effective weapon. Listen with the intention of understanding whether your partner understands you. Listen to yourself with the intention of being understood. Listen the heck out of the moment (if that's possible). But be as present as possible for the argument. Your inner relationship ninja doesn't operate in the midst of your defenses, attachments and memories. They simply cannot coexist. Either the ninja OR the fictions, not both. So you must choose. 

Mindfulness in an argument makes the arguer effective and the argument resolvable. It makes a stealthy, masterful warrior out of a regular ol' relationship shmo. If you want to try feeling awesome during and after an argument for once, try this tactic of mindful ninja argument listening. See what it does for your particular way of arguing. See if you like its result. If you prefer the messy dander arguing, you'll always have that, too but the ninja is at least worth a shot.

June 23, 2010

Staying Cool in the Political Boilerroom

I find it very difficult to keep my own center when listening to news on politics. I wish news reports were given by Sergeant Friday: Just the facts. But even if it were just the facts, these days, that may not help. So I often think about how to be somewhat engaged with the politics of my time without becoming enraged with it. While political engagement is not in anyway tantamount to a deliberate life, there must be a way to be a part of the broader community without being emotionally tossed around by it. Here are some thoughts on finding a center in the political storm.

I take breaks from political news. I get most of my news from the radio (NPR) and turn off the radio when the political report begins. If I can't beat them, I'm not going to join them. As difficult as it is, I want to know what's happening around the world and get a sense of the ethos of my time without having my thoughts and emotions manipulated by politicians. While i'm sure there are exceptions, I assume most politicians are charlatans, interested in their own achievement above all. I know what's important to me. I know where MY politics are. I write letters to congress-people and Senators. I sign petitions that represent my interests. I donate to political campaigns when they're for impressive people who represent my interests. When it's time to vote if I haven't polluted my own thoughts with political ads and news opinions, it won't be too difficult to choose candidates that represent me. That's the point, afterall. Representation. 

I never, ever listen to pundits. They aren't providing news. They're providing opinions. As they say, everyone has one. I have my own. I don't need theirs in my head.

I try to remember that winds change. Sometimes the wind is at my back and sometimes it presses against my face. I am not entitled to the wind blowing at my back at all times. I also understand that if the wind IS at my back, it is necessarily pressing against someone else's face. This is a big, diverse country with so many and so many contradicting interests. And our political system is played out like a tug-o-war. There is an anxious and shifting balance over the center created by the pulling of each side. But the game won't ever be won or lost completely.

It's not helpful to match ire with ire. When one side is enraged and mobilizing movements I find irrational, I try to remember that to answer that with a similar energy is only going to make that side grow and knock me off my own center which is unpleasant and the point of this article anyway. It won't lead to helpful, enlightening dialogue. It won't lead to better representative politics. Keeping my own center and encouraging others to do the same is the best way to ensure you're representing yourself in this ugly time of politics. It's even a good idea to keep the conversational acrimony in check. Let the crazies be crazy. I choose to remain sane. 

It's a challenge but a worthy one to remain engaged without being manipulated both intellectually and emotionally by the politics of this time. Control what you let in and keep your own mind unpolluted by the agendas and follies of others. It's an imperfect and clunky system but most of us are surviving it afterall. 

June 11, 2010

The Amazingness of Mindfulness

Mindfulness is this funny panacea that sits right there around all of us all the time, with the power to have deep impact on such ailments as anxiety, depression, social phobia, impatience, driving in traffic, judging your spouse, hating your job, obesity, high blood pressure and feeling overwhelmed by your children to name a few. It’s power has been known to the East forever and the West is testing it in clinical trials right now, set for human study sometime in 2065 (just kidding, the human studies have been going on now for a few decades, thanks to some like Jon Kabat-Zinn). The problem with it is that it involves faith, commitment and attention. Not traditionally strong attributes of our current American culture; we’d so much rather a pill or someone else do it for us unless it involves eating or firearms.

 

In short, mindfulness is the practice of remaining attentive to the very moment in time and space in which you find yourself, noticing right now without judgment. And if that moment involves brushing your teeth, that’s what you’re noticing - the toothbrushing. And if that moment involves eating dinner, that’s what you’re paying attention to - the food and the act of eating. And if that moment involves talking with your friend, that is what you’re paying attention to - the discussion and your friend. And in the atmosphere of noticing actions and experiences. We can also notice the way we think and feel about them. Observe those without judgment. It is shockingly relaxing to the mind, body and spirit.

 

When it comes to a mindfulness practice most of us have to start small and practice during a discrete period of time. Like, the classic, doing the dishes. Paying attention to the water, the dish, the elimination of food and dirt, the placement of the dishes in the rack, the cleaning of the sink. For the blessed moments it takes to complete this task, your mind is NOT obsessing, regretting, worrying, planning or judging. It is completely free from everything except the doing of the dishes. It’s an astoundingly peaceful experience. (And if you’re thinking it sounds boring, you’re not being mindful).

 

But it isn’t as if one, without practice, can just Be Mindful. Like a “Onetwothreeeeeee GO!” and then you’re off into mindfulalaland and the perfect doing of the dishes in a state of placid exuberance. 

 

It’s more like this: Ok, i’m going to try this. Just do the dishes to do the dishes, doing the dishes to do the dishes to think about tomorrow’s meeting and what i’ll wear to DO THE dishes and doing the dishes and disliking the sponge and thinking it smells and wondering if i should get a different kind of sponge next time but they’re sort of expensive at the supermarket, should probably go to Target and do THE DISHES TO DO THE DISHES just doing the dishes and wanting icecream but not wanting the kind i have to do the dishes... 

 

Mind goes in. Mind goes out. The Buddhists call it monkey mind. Swinging from limb to limb. The important part, though, is when the mind comes back in - the attention returns to the dishes. Those moments might be fleeting but they’re quality and with practice they’ll lengthen. 

 

Mindfulness basically IS being deliberate in its basic and immediate sense. It is immediately relaxing and goes great with parenthood. Our minds are often restless and pulled in multiple directions. We allow that and are habituated to it but we pay for it. There’s an immediate and tax-exempt (in fact FREE if you believe it) way to be lighter, calmer, less worried, thinner, kinder, more composed and better looking (to certain beholders, i’m sure this is true). Mindfulness! Right here, right now, all is A-OK. So learn to stay here. I’m sure you’ll love it.

 

June 10, 2010